Crazy Thoughts - Rabbi Humor

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. 

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! 

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!" 

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends
less than my wife did. 

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried. 

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea . 

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months. 

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" 

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" 
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" 

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." 
Doctor: "Don't answer!" 


* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." 

The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." 

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.